Thursday, October 6, 2011
My Heart Is On Rewind
It's been about a month and a half since Ryan and I broke up. We hadn't really talked much since. We did text a little bit to discuss when we were going to meet up again. We had set a day, and then he told me some bad news. He had gone to the ER a couple weeks before. He was having neck and back pain, as well as numbness in his hands, legs and feet. He got a ct scan, and the results came back abnormal. They found spots on his brain. They decided to run more tests, because they said it could just be shadows. But it could also be multiple sclerosis or even tumors. I was heart broken when I found out. I thought I was getting over him. But when I heard the news, my heart went back to square one. Or maybe I wasn't truly over him. All I can think about is being with him. I'm so scared for him. So I've decided to travel on saturday to see him. I'm trying not think about getting back with him. At this point I feel I just need to be there for him. But thinking about the possibility that it could be life threatening, has got me really questioning all of this. Do I really want to be without him? Because this news has shaken something up in me, and I am just as confused as ever. I don't know exactly what I want. I just know I want him to be ok, and for him to be in my life, one way or another. I'm just really worried :(
Monday, October 3, 2011
Life's Not So Common Questions
So with having CAIS, there is a lot of thoughts that run through my head. I've NEVER really questioned my identity as being a girl. I have NEVER seen myself as male. And I have NEVER seen myself liking girls. My mind definitely developed female, and identify as being straight in the fact that I am a girl who like guys. But there are just so many thoughts that come with this.
I want to know how I went 14 years without anyone ever noticing that I was different. I was very sick as a girl, and had a lot of blood-work done. How did the doctors never see elevated testosterone levels? How did they not catch that?
I think I am most scared to tell people about my condition because of the stigma that goes along with it. Being a "hermaphrodite". A hermaphrodite is explained as someone who expresses both male and female reproductive organs. The female reproductive organs include the vagina, uterus and ovaries. I never had a uterus or ovaries. I do have a vagina, but it's not a real one. It's blind ending. It's basically just a pouch. The male reproductive organs include the penis and testes. Usually those are located on the outside of the body. It's weird to say, but technically I had testes, they were just undescended. My sex chromosomes originally told my gonads to develop into testes, but because of the mutation on my X chromosome, they didn't develop into anything further than that. So how could i be considered a hermaphrodite, when I barely had any sexual organs. I did no have ovaries, uterus, cervix, penis, nothing. If we have to be called anything at all, I guess intersex would be better.
Another thing that really gets me thinking is the fact that I have CAIS because of a mutation. Because of that one mutation on my X chromosome, it changed my life forever. To start with, if I would have gotten an X chromosome from my dad (instead of the Y, which is what I got), I would have been a completely normal girl. If I would have gotten my mom's other X chromosome, I would have been a completely normal male. It's just crazy to think that because of that one mutation on my one chromosome, it completely changed my life. If it wouldn't have been for that, I would have grown up male, probably played baseball and football, and who knows what else.
I think I have mentioned it before, but I'm going to talk about it again. With me identifying as female, and liking guys, that makes me straight. But if you were to look at me from a genetic standpoint, I would be a male who likes guys, which would make me gay? But if I liked girls, with being considered a girl, that would make me gay as well. But if I was viewed genetically as a male, and like girls, then I would be straight.
On another note, I am in a class called Natural Science Seminar. To graduate from my college with a science degree, you have to do a senior research project, unless you are getting a degree in Medical Technology (which is what I am majoring in). But I still have to take the class, which prepares you for your project. So I had to come up with a hypothetical experiment. I decided to use my condition as a basis for my project. It would be to look at my DNA, and see where the mutation occurred on my X chromosome. I would also be looking at my mom's DNA in order to determine whether or not it was genetically passed down. What I did not think about was the fact that I would actually have to present my idea to my class. I have to admit that I am pretty apprehensive about publicly talking about this (even though my class only has about 18 people, and instead of using my name, its just patient X). But I also think that it will be good for me. Because eventually I want to be able to tell anyone and everyone about my condition, and maybe this will be my first step in getting comfortable with it.
I want to know how I went 14 years without anyone ever noticing that I was different. I was very sick as a girl, and had a lot of blood-work done. How did the doctors never see elevated testosterone levels? How did they not catch that?
I think I am most scared to tell people about my condition because of the stigma that goes along with it. Being a "hermaphrodite". A hermaphrodite is explained as someone who expresses both male and female reproductive organs. The female reproductive organs include the vagina, uterus and ovaries. I never had a uterus or ovaries. I do have a vagina, but it's not a real one. It's blind ending. It's basically just a pouch. The male reproductive organs include the penis and testes. Usually those are located on the outside of the body. It's weird to say, but technically I had testes, they were just undescended. My sex chromosomes originally told my gonads to develop into testes, but because of the mutation on my X chromosome, they didn't develop into anything further than that. So how could i be considered a hermaphrodite, when I barely had any sexual organs. I did no have ovaries, uterus, cervix, penis, nothing. If we have to be called anything at all, I guess intersex would be better.
Another thing that really gets me thinking is the fact that I have CAIS because of a mutation. Because of that one mutation on my X chromosome, it changed my life forever. To start with, if I would have gotten an X chromosome from my dad (instead of the Y, which is what I got), I would have been a completely normal girl. If I would have gotten my mom's other X chromosome, I would have been a completely normal male. It's just crazy to think that because of that one mutation on my one chromosome, it completely changed my life. If it wouldn't have been for that, I would have grown up male, probably played baseball and football, and who knows what else.
I think I have mentioned it before, but I'm going to talk about it again. With me identifying as female, and liking guys, that makes me straight. But if you were to look at me from a genetic standpoint, I would be a male who likes guys, which would make me gay? But if I liked girls, with being considered a girl, that would make me gay as well. But if I was viewed genetically as a male, and like girls, then I would be straight.
On another note, I am in a class called Natural Science Seminar. To graduate from my college with a science degree, you have to do a senior research project, unless you are getting a degree in Medical Technology (which is what I am majoring in). But I still have to take the class, which prepares you for your project. So I had to come up with a hypothetical experiment. I decided to use my condition as a basis for my project. It would be to look at my DNA, and see where the mutation occurred on my X chromosome. I would also be looking at my mom's DNA in order to determine whether or not it was genetically passed down. What I did not think about was the fact that I would actually have to present my idea to my class. I have to admit that I am pretty apprehensive about publicly talking about this (even though my class only has about 18 people, and instead of using my name, its just patient X). But I also think that it will be good for me. Because eventually I want to be able to tell anyone and everyone about my condition, and maybe this will be my first step in getting comfortable with it.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Where Does The Time Go?
Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged. Well a little update. I started my senior year of volleyball this past week. We had to run 4 quarter mile sprints with a cumulative time under 6:20. I ran it in 6:23 :( I was sooooo close!! We just finished our preseason camp, and man am I tired! But its been good so far. We have a great team, great talent, and I can't wait to see what our team will be able to accomplish this year.
On another note. Ryan and I are on a break :( Things haven't been going good lately. We are really good when we are actually together, but that is usually only once a week. so we will be on a break until we can get some things figured out. I hope that it doesn't take long, because I miss him really bad.
Some random thoughts about CAIS...
...I think its crazy, mainly because i'm only 22, and I have to consider getting lubrication
...I find it crazy that my doctors have only given me 2 options for my hormone replacement therapy, when there are many different options out there for me
...A very random thought, but something that struck my interest. Lets say very much into the future, if doctors were looking at my skeleton, what would they discover about me? Would my bones say that I am male or female?
On another note. Ryan and I are on a break :( Things haven't been going good lately. We are really good when we are actually together, but that is usually only once a week. so we will be on a break until we can get some things figured out. I hope that it doesn't take long, because I miss him really bad.
Some random thoughts about CAIS...
...I think its crazy, mainly because i'm only 22, and I have to consider getting lubrication
...I find it crazy that my doctors have only given me 2 options for my hormone replacement therapy, when there are many different options out there for me
...A very random thought, but something that struck my interest. Lets say very much into the future, if doctors were looking at my skeleton, what would they discover about me? Would my bones say that I am male or female?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Statistically, I Shouldn't Be The Only One
I've been thinking a lot about the statistics behind my CAIS. We believe that my condition was passed down genetically, instead of it being a random mutation. If that is the case, that means my grandma would have to be a carrier as well. All carriers have a 1:4 chance of passing the mutation down to their children, and 1:4 chance of their children being a carrier. My grandma had 13 kids, so genetically, wouldn't it make sense that she would have had about 3 kids with AIS? And 3 kinds who were carriers of AIS? So even if my some miracle none of my mom's siblings have AIS, there is still a 12.5% chance that my cousins would have it. I know I have at least 20 first cousins, so that means statistically there should be 2.5 of us. But I don't know of anyone in my family. And on top of my first cousins, I have a crap ton of 2nd cousins. So where are all of my relatives with AIS?!?!
A Video To Replace My Words
So I recently came across a video online dedicated to women like me. I have yet to watch the entire thing, mainly because I started watching it about 10 minutes before Pretty Little Liars came on, but I just wanted to share it. You can watch it at...
http://www.megavideo.com/?d=A04WT7XU
http://www.megavideo.com/?d=A04WT7XU
Friday, June 3, 2011
Is This Working?
Wow. It has been a while since I have written anything. I don't know why, maybe its because I feel like this is just a waste. I was hoping that it would help someone, someone like me. I guess I will give it some more time.
I really want to meet someone in person who has CAIS, or any kind of AIS really. It would be so comforting to be able to openly talk to someone about everything, and not have to worry about them not understanding, or having to explain myself. A lot of people in my life know now that I have this, but I don't feel like they can understand what it is like to go through this. I think the best example I can think of is the hormone replacement I have to go through. I'm on an estrogen patch, that isn't exactly the most friendly, but its the best option i've come across so far. The problem is that it not only irritates my skin, but it also makes me feel nauseous in the morning. So I often find myself going weeks without using it. My mom asks me quite often if I've been changing it, but I don't always do it. I feel like its not me. I kind of wish we would have waited to take my gonads out. Mainly because it was a lot less of a hassle back when I had them. I didn't have to worry about estrogen. And I don't know if this is a direct correlation, but I feel like getting them removed made me gain weight, because of the estrogen.
I really want to meet someone in person who has CAIS, or any kind of AIS really. It would be so comforting to be able to openly talk to someone about everything, and not have to worry about them not understanding, or having to explain myself. A lot of people in my life know now that I have this, but I don't feel like they can understand what it is like to go through this. I think the best example I can think of is the hormone replacement I have to go through. I'm on an estrogen patch, that isn't exactly the most friendly, but its the best option i've come across so far. The problem is that it not only irritates my skin, but it also makes me feel nauseous in the morning. So I often find myself going weeks without using it. My mom asks me quite often if I've been changing it, but I don't always do it. I feel like its not me. I kind of wish we would have waited to take my gonads out. Mainly because it was a lot less of a hassle back when I had them. I didn't have to worry about estrogen. And I don't know if this is a direct correlation, but I feel like getting them removed made me gain weight, because of the estrogen.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A Hello From A While Ago
So I realize its been a while since I have blogged. I don't know, things have just been a mix of emotions lately. So this isn't really going to be about much, other than whats been going on. I promise to have one of the regular blogs up by this week.
Its almost the end of the semester here. We have about 2 weeks left of classes, and then a week of finals. On my to do list before I am done with the semester is to complete 3 lab finals, 1 paper, 4 lecture exams, and 3 final exams. Including labs, thats a total of 10 exams in the next 3 1/2 weeks!
Ryan's birthday is on friday. I had a nice surprise for him planned out, but it came in the mail, and it was a surprise to me! And lucky for me its non refundable. So i'm going to give it to him anyways, and probably take him to dinner at P.F. Changs or something like that. And then on Sunday, we will be celebrating our 6 month. I know to a lot of you, 6 months isn't really anything big. But to me, this is the first time that I have ever been with a guy for that long. So I'm pretty stoked. We will probably end up just doing dinner and a movie.
I finally found an apartment! I've been searching for a while now. I have to live by myself, because I don't know how long I will be living in Defiance. It may just be until December (If thats the case then I would be moving in with Ryan), or it could be until next May (when I start my 12 month internship). But I found a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom that is right down town and is above a little store. I have a big bedroom, with a big living room. The kitchen is small enough for one, but is adorable. The only downfall is that there is no washer or dryer, and no set parking, but for the price, I am ok with that.
Well thats about all for now. Like I said, I will hopefully have an actual blog posted by the end of the week. Now, to just decide what to write about!
Its almost the end of the semester here. We have about 2 weeks left of classes, and then a week of finals. On my to do list before I am done with the semester is to complete 3 lab finals, 1 paper, 4 lecture exams, and 3 final exams. Including labs, thats a total of 10 exams in the next 3 1/2 weeks!
Ryan's birthday is on friday. I had a nice surprise for him planned out, but it came in the mail, and it was a surprise to me! And lucky for me its non refundable. So i'm going to give it to him anyways, and probably take him to dinner at P.F. Changs or something like that. And then on Sunday, we will be celebrating our 6 month. I know to a lot of you, 6 months isn't really anything big. But to me, this is the first time that I have ever been with a guy for that long. So I'm pretty stoked. We will probably end up just doing dinner and a movie.
I finally found an apartment! I've been searching for a while now. I have to live by myself, because I don't know how long I will be living in Defiance. It may just be until December (If thats the case then I would be moving in with Ryan), or it could be until next May (when I start my 12 month internship). But I found a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom that is right down town and is above a little store. I have a big bedroom, with a big living room. The kitchen is small enough for one, but is adorable. The only downfall is that there is no washer or dryer, and no set parking, but for the price, I am ok with that.
Well thats about all for now. Like I said, I will hopefully have an actual blog posted by the end of the week. Now, to just decide what to write about!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)