Thursday, December 29, 2011

I've Been Left Behind

I feel bad. I've kinda been neglecting things lately. Like my blog. I've been feeling lost lately. I don't know if its the fact that I don't know where I am going to be doing my internship yet, or even if I will be accepted for one. And I've been awfully lonely lately. My mom lives 2.5 hours away. My best friends live 3 hours away. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but I work on the weekends, so it would be hard to make plans to visit, when the week days would be inconvenient for them. I do have friends here, but hardly any I could call my best friends, and most of them aren't around that often. There is Jess, but she is usually busy with her boyfriend, or something else. Then there is Ryan, who was my best friend, before he broke up with me. I not only lost my first love, but my best friend. I'm lost. I don't feel a need to be here anymore. I keep trying to find roots in other people, trying to find a way to ground myself. But there is nothing there. I try to make connections with people around me, but it just doesn't click, but not for a lack of trying. I guess I just tend to go after the emotionally unavailable type. But it's funny, because for the longest time, I was the one who made myself unavailable. I was always rejecting people. But now the tables have been turned. I tell everyone I'm not looking for anything serious with guys, but deep down, I want something serious. Even though Ryan and I broke up 4 months ago, I want to find that special someone. I want to settle down. But its kind of hard when I know I will just have to pick up and move again in 6 months. And my biggest thought right now, is the fact that I want a baby. I want a kid. But this isn't anything new. Ever since I found out at age 14, that I can't have kids, its all I can ever think about. You never know what you had til its gone. Even though I never had the option, I wish nothing more than to have that option. I don't know. I just don't know where to turn. I've been right, I've been left, I've been wrong, I've been left behind, I've been up but mostly down.