Thursday, December 29, 2011

I've Been Left Behind

I feel bad. I've kinda been neglecting things lately. Like my blog. I've been feeling lost lately. I don't know if its the fact that I don't know where I am going to be doing my internship yet, or even if I will be accepted for one. And I've been awfully lonely lately. My mom lives 2.5 hours away. My best friends live 3 hours away. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but I work on the weekends, so it would be hard to make plans to visit, when the week days would be inconvenient for them. I do have friends here, but hardly any I could call my best friends, and most of them aren't around that often. There is Jess, but she is usually busy with her boyfriend, or something else. Then there is Ryan, who was my best friend, before he broke up with me. I not only lost my first love, but my best friend. I'm lost. I don't feel a need to be here anymore. I keep trying to find roots in other people, trying to find a way to ground myself. But there is nothing there. I try to make connections with people around me, but it just doesn't click, but not for a lack of trying. I guess I just tend to go after the emotionally unavailable type. But it's funny, because for the longest time, I was the one who made myself unavailable. I was always rejecting people. But now the tables have been turned. I tell everyone I'm not looking for anything serious with guys, but deep down, I want something serious. Even though Ryan and I broke up 4 months ago, I want to find that special someone. I want to settle down. But its kind of hard when I know I will just have to pick up and move again in 6 months. And my biggest thought right now, is the fact that I want a baby. I want a kid. But this isn't anything new. Ever since I found out at age 14, that I can't have kids, its all I can ever think about. You never know what you had til its gone. Even though I never had the option, I wish nothing more than to have that option. I don't know. I just don't know where to turn. I've been right, I've been left, I've been wrong, I've been left behind, I've been up but mostly down.
Posted by at

4 comments:

  1. Colin GDecember 30, 2011 at 8:28 AM

    Hi again Megan. I thought I'd drop by your blog and see if there was anything new and I read your latest post. It is so hard to put into words how much your posts affect me, particularly this one. Could you do me a favour? If you check out the home page of the UK AISSG website it mentions a book that will soon be published called Last Weekend. If you ask for a review copy it will be sent to you. It's about someone with CAIS and follows their journey. I know you'll be sent a copy 'cos I wrote it and I'l make sure. I wish you all possible love and happiness dearest girl. CG (I hope you get to read this and respond)

    ReplyDelete
  2. MeghanDecember 30, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    Colin G-

    I don't really know how to respond to comments so that you get them, so I hope you read this. I really appreciate what you said. I would love to read your book. I don't know who to contact exactly to get a copy, but just let me know! I really look forward to reading it. Thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
  3. Colin GDecember 31, 2011 at 9:00 AM

    Hi Meghan, I'm so glad you replied and yes, I'm reading your reply now so it worked just fine. If you really do want to read my book, and I so hope you do, you can either email the UK support group by using the contact link on their web site (www.aissg.org) or I can send you a PDF via email. I understand completely if you'd rather not reveal your email address, but if your OK with it, I can be reached at... colin@avain.co.uk and I will reply with the PDF directly to you. Either method is good.

    Hopefully the novel will be published soon, possibly on Amazon Kindle... plus I may have a few hard copies printed for myself. Two women with CAIS have read it and they were both very complimentary and positive. It is essentially a love story, bu I won't spoil the ending. Bye for now and hope to hear from you soon. Colin

    ReplyDelete
  4. Colin GDecember 31, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    OK Meghan here's the thing... I know that life gets hard sometimes, really hard, but you'll make it. You have to trust me on this but you really will. Think of it this way. There is a guy out there somewhere who really needs you, probably as much as you need him - its just a matter of finding each other, and you will. In some ways its when you stop looking that you find what you need. I know that sounds crazy but its the best way I can describe it. And how do I know this? I just do, plus you're obviously an amazing person, that shows so clearly in your posts. Have a great New Year. Colin

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)