So with having CAIS, there is a lot of thoughts that run through my head. I've NEVER really questioned my identity as being a girl. I have NEVER seen myself as male. And I have NEVER seen myself liking girls. My mind definitely developed female, and identify as being straight in the fact that I am a girl who like guys. But there are just so many thoughts that come with this.
I want to know how I went 14 years without anyone ever noticing that I was different. I was very sick as a girl, and had a lot of blood-work done. How did the doctors never see elevated testosterone levels? How did they not catch that?
I think I am most scared to tell people about my condition because of the stigma that goes along with it. Being a "hermaphrodite". A hermaphrodite is explained as someone who expresses both male and female reproductive organs. The female reproductive organs include the vagina, uterus and ovaries. I never had a uterus or ovaries. I do have a vagina, but it's not a real one. It's blind ending. It's basically just a pouch. The male reproductive organs include the penis and testes. Usually those are located on the outside of the body. It's weird to say, but technically I had testes, they were just undescended. My sex chromosomes originally told my gonads to develop into testes, but because of the mutation on my X chromosome, they didn't develop into anything further than that. So how could i be considered a hermaphrodite, when I barely had any sexual organs. I did no have ovaries, uterus, cervix, penis, nothing. If we have to be called anything at all, I guess intersex would be better.
Another thing that really gets me thinking is the fact that I have CAIS because of a mutation. Because of that one mutation on my X chromosome, it changed my life forever. To start with, if I would have gotten an X chromosome from my dad (instead of the Y, which is what I got), I would have been a completely normal girl. If I would have gotten my mom's other X chromosome, I would have been a completely normal male. It's just crazy to think that because of that one mutation on my one chromosome, it completely changed my life. If it wouldn't have been for that, I would have grown up male, probably played baseball and football, and who knows what else.
I think I have mentioned it before, but I'm going to talk about it again. With me identifying as female, and liking guys, that makes me straight. But if you were to look at me from a genetic standpoint, I would be a male who likes guys, which would make me gay? But if I liked girls, with being considered a girl, that would make me gay as well. But if I was viewed genetically as a male, and like girls, then I would be straight.
On another note, I am in a class called Natural Science Seminar. To graduate from my college with a science degree, you have to do a senior research project, unless you are getting a degree in Medical Technology (which is what I am majoring in). But I still have to take the class, which prepares you for your project. So I had to come up with a hypothetical experiment. I decided to use my condition as a basis for my project. It would be to look at my DNA, and see where the mutation occurred on my X chromosome. I would also be looking at my mom's DNA in order to determine whether or not it was genetically passed down. What I did not think about was the fact that I would actually have to present my idea to my class. I have to admit that I am pretty apprehensive about publicly talking about this (even though my class only has about 18 people, and instead of using my name, its just patient X). But I also think that it will be good for me. Because eventually I want to be able to tell anyone and everyone about my condition, and maybe this will be my first step in getting comfortable with it.
Hi Again. Just read this post and wondered if you have been to any support group meetings? I am aware of the UK group and I know there is a US one too. You must know I guess but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Hun, the genetics are interesting but they don't really 'count', as you are a girl and you already know that, so the whole gay/not gay thing is irrelevant. So you're a girl who likes guys... end of. I doubt you need my advice but... my 2 cents worth would be... try not to beat yourself up over this. Its sort of self destructive and you gotta be careful with that. Love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteMeghan,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what your saying about your apprehension to really let everyone out there know about your condition. I have an intersex condition too, known as XX/XY tetragametic chimerism, where scientifically speaking, my mother had two eggs fertilized by my father, and thus fraternal twins. Those for gametes (two sperm, two ovum) merged following (roughly) the 128 cell division, thus the cells had become differentiated. My ectoderm and endoderm were genetically female, while my mesoderm was genetically male...
When I was born, due to the presence of testosterone during to my mesoderm stage, I differentiated into what appeared to be a healthy baby boy. Fortunately, inside, I had a developed set of ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix and vagina, only separated from the outside by skin and some other tissue.
Fast forward 30 years and after starting HRT to transition to who I knew I was, I started getting stomach pains and low and behold, the estrogen I had been taking jump started my female insides to start cycling. So while I look (some what) male on the outside, I am almost completely genetically female inside.
So you look female but are genetically male. For me, I looked male, but I am genetically female. Similar but opposite...
If you would like to talk, I am here...there are not too many of us out there, we need to stick together!