A Hello From A While Ago

So I realize its been a while since I have blogged. I don't know, things have just been a mix of emotions lately. So this isn't really going to be about much, other than whats been going on. I promise to have one of the regular blogs up by this week.

Its almost the end of the semester here. We have about 2 weeks left of classes, and then a week of finals. On my to do list before I am done with the semester is to complete 3 lab finals, 1 paper, 4 lecture exams, and 3 final exams. Including labs, thats a total of 10 exams in the next 3 1/2 weeks!

Ryan's birthday is on friday. I had a nice surprise for him planned out, but it came in the mail, and it was a surprise to me! And lucky for me its non refundable. So i'm going to give it to him anyways, and probably take him to dinner at P.F. Changs or something like that. And then on Sunday, we will be celebrating our 6 month. I know to a lot of you, 6 months isn't really anything big. But to me, this is the first time that I have ever been with a guy for that long. So I'm pretty stoked. We will probably end up just doing dinner and a movie.

I finally found an apartment! I've been searching for a while now. I have to live by myself, because I don't know how long I will be living in Defiance. It may just be until December (If thats the case then I would be moving in with Ryan), or it could be until next May (when I start my 12 month internship). But I found a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom that is right down town and is above a little store. I have a big bedroom, with a big living room. The kitchen is small enough for one, but is adorable. The only downfall is that there is no washer or dryer, and no set parking, but for the price, I am ok with that.

Well thats about all for now. Like I said, I will hopefully have an actual blog posted by the end of the week. Now, to just decide what to write about!

zì xìn

So I have a tattoo that I got my freshman year of college. It was my first tattoo, and it was just after my season from hell was over. I had been thinking about this tattoo for a while, and how I wanted to go about it. I wanted to incorporate the idea of "self-confidence" into my design. I had been struggling in my life. Between my rocky relationship with my dad, living 11 hours from home in Iowa, playing on a team that I hated (except for the girls on my team), and still coping with my condition. I cried home every other day on the phone to my mom. I was miserable. I needed some confidence in myself. So I got a tattoo that said "self-confidence" in Chinese. (We had a Chinese girl on the team, who made sure the design I picked out was accurate, and didn't say something else). That is what "zì xìn" means, self-confidence.

I decided on the tattoo that is in the picture above. I know it doesn't read up to down like normal, I just thought it worked better this way. I had it put across my lower abdomen, on the right side. I thought that getting it on my body permanently, it would serve as a constant reminder to keep my head up, and not get down on myself. I would like to say it has worked, but I don't know if it has really. I don't regret it at all, I just wished it would have done more for me I guess.

But no matter what happens, I still struggle. I am very self conscious about myself. When I look in the mirror, I immediately check to see if I see any "masculine" features. I check to see whether or not I look like a girl. In that mirror, I see my body. I had lost almost 20 pounds since last summer. But with our volleyball workouts, and all our weight lifting, I have been putting on weight. I don't think it's been bad weight, because I have still been eating just about the same as I was when I was loosing weight. But when I step on that scale and I see the number higher than what i've been working towards, it hurts. 4 years ago, I weighed over 25 pounds less than what I do now. That means last summer, I weighed about 40 pounds more than I did my senior year of high school. Even though I have lost weight, and I have gained muscle mass, I still feel bad about myself. I want to be skinny again. The other thing I see when I look in the mirror is the color of my skin, or lack of color. I am pretty pale. I think its definitely a combination of things, but I think its mainly because of my heritage (my family is mostly Irish, and the rest is pretty much German). My whole family is pretty pale. But I'm not comfortable with it. Everyone always makes comments. I have found myself making comments first, so that I don't have to hear the clever comment the next person is going to make. Beating them to the punch. I try to be ok with being pale, telling myself there is nothing to e ashamed of. But in the world we live in now, if you are not tan and skinny, you don't completely "fit in". I try not to feel the urge to tan, because I am scared of getting cancer. Between having the gonads being removed (which given time, could have turned malignant), and having a tumor on my salivary gland (in my neck, which was benign), I don't want to get any other kind of cancer, like skin cancer. But I honestly wonder if tanning will kind of help me. Not only making me feel better about my skin color, and hopefully kind of taking away some of the jokes that are directed towards me, but I also wonder if it would help me feel better bout the way my body looks. I've always been told that you look skinnier if you are tan, so I wonder if that would change my mind frame.

I also have been stressing a lot about school. In high school, I was a fairly studious girl, who earned a 3.7 graduating gpa. My freshman year of college I earned a 3.8 gpa. But last semester, I took Organic Chemistry I Lab, Microbiology with a Lab, Genetics with a Lab, and Anatomy & Physiology with a Lab. I balanced all that with playing a sport in college. And I barely slipped by. Now I'm taking Organic Chemistry II with Lab, Histology with Lab, and Pathogenic Microbiology with Lab. Needless to say I have a tough semester. These classes are not a walk in the park by any means. I work hard in them to barely get by, and its just so frustrating. I hate not doing well in classes. I remember when I would cry getting a B on an exam. Now I'm ecstatic with a B. I worry about eligibility for next year. I transferred to this school to play college volleyball. Not to have to sit out. I also worry about the student loans that I have to take out to pay for these schools. And I know that I need to get a job, but the thought of carrying one right now scares me to death, because I already have to balance out all these classes and volleyball.

I worry about my dad a lot. I haven't talked to him since Thanksgiving. I don't miss him really, its not that. I just worry about his well being. I heard he has to use a walker now in order to get around. I worry about that. I worry about whether or not he is eating. I worry about whether or not he will be alive the next time I am ready to talk to him. But fact of the matter is, I'm not ready to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. And then there is Ryan. I have been trying to be brave through our kind of long distance relationship, but it gets hard. I hate only seeing him once every week or two. I love him so much, and I just want to be with him more.

I just want to experience being stress free for a while. But I don't know how to make that happen.

The Words That Aren't There

So it's been a while since I have written anything. Life has been crazy. Between midterms (4 exams). Homework. Labs. Volleyball. Workouts. And Ryan. So this is a little filler until I write my next short novel on here lol. Sometimes I just feel like i'm writing in a diary. That this isn't for anyone but me. Even though I started this to help other girls like me, and help others understand the different. But it has just been a way to help me cope, and understand.

On a different note, I have been having a fantastic weekend (This is my spring break!!) Friday night I got to meet with my friends in Grand Rapids to catch a Griffins game, which is hockey for those of you who aren't from around here. Then we headed to the bars. It was so good seeing all my friends. I barely get to see them anymore, since I moved to Ohio and what not. Saturday, Ryan came up here! We went to my high school for a lil workout, then went out to dinner at the Wheel with Mom. Ended the night watching movies. Sunday, we watched some more movies, took the dogs for a walk, and had a wonderful steak dinner that Mom made for us. I was so sad to him leave this evening. It was such a good weekend. The best I've had in a LONG time.

Well that is all for now. I will be sure to write back again soon :D

We Were Matched To Be

Yes, I know that I said we were "matched" to be, instead of we were "meant" to be. Because Ryan and I actually met on Match.com

It was almost exactly a year ago that I decided to join Match.com. I decided to join because I never got asked out by anyone, and I was tired of just meeting the average jo's at the random house parties. So I signed up for a 6 month subscription, and they had a deal where if you followed certain guidlines for those 6 months, and you didn't meet anyone longterm, you would get an extra 6 months for free. So I decided why not.

I talked to a lot of different people, met up with a few of them. Only one of the guys I went on a date with went past the first date. But after about a week and a half, that was over. So I kind of gave up on it, since I was moving to Ohio, and so I just did the minimum in order to get the 6 months free. I'm glad I did.

I hadn't really talked to anyone from ohio, until I received a "wink" from RbeingJ. I remember looking at his profile, and I immediately was in awe by his pictures and his height! Then I read through his bio, and realized we had a lot in common. We began emailing that night, and he wanted to start texting, but I was cramming for a microbiology exam. So I told him I would text him the next day. And I did. We texted for a long time, because I went to California for a volleyball tournament. But we finally met up the first sunday we were back. We met up at a little restaurant, and had lunch. To kill sometime before his beach volleyball game at a bar league, we went to shoot some pool (I'm pretty sure I beat him). I watched him play some volleyball. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, so we went back to his place and watched the movie "I Love You, Man". We talked pretty much during the entire movie. Our date lasted pretty much 8 hours. I enjoyed every minute. But I wanted  another 8 hours. That is when it all started, and the rest is history.

Later he told me he was also about to give up and cancel his subscription to Match. He had decided that he would browse through people one last time, and if he came up with nothing, that that would be it. That night he found my profile, and winked at me, and I winked back. He emailed me, and I emailed him back. If it would not have been for Match.com, we would have never met.

This is why I think our love formed so fast. We were "Matched" for each other. I think the only thing we didn't have in common out of the 21 categories was our political views. We have so much in common, and looking for exactly the same things. We connected before our first date even happened. I am happy that we met, because Ryan is everything I have been looking for in a guy. I couldn't be happier with him.

<3

Tummy Troubles :(

So because of my Hormone Replacement Therapy, I have to endure some side affects. The one I experience the most is nausea in the morning. Most mornings I don't really notice it because I have gotten so used to it, and can ignore it. But then I have mornings like today, and you get that feeling in the back of your throat. Ugh, so I can't eat anything at all. And I have to go do an hours worth of weight lifting here shortly. Bah. This sucks.

A note after the workout...

...Tough workout. I haven't been able to eat, and I still feel ill. I'm hoping I can feel like eating here shortly. Ugh I just wanna curl up in my bed til it goes away. Too bad I have Organic Chemistry lecture in an hour. And part of a paper to write. And study for my Histology midterm tomorrow. :(

I Was Dizzy...And Not Because I Was Blonde

So my senior year of high school, I was on the varsity volleyball team for Portland. It was towards the beginning of the season (December 2006), and I was struggling with our workouts. We didn't have very hard workouts, and I was in good shape, so I didn't understand why I was getting dizzy. It would get to the point where I had to sit down for a while during practice. My coaches and athletic trainer decided to have a meeting with me, and it took me completely off guard. They thought I had an eating disorder! They asked me if I was anorexic or bulimic. I understand why they could think this, because I was 6 feet tall and only weighed about 130 pounds. But they also knew I ate like a pig. I could eat 3/4 of a pizza all by myself!

They told me I was going to have to start weighing in before every practice/game. And if I didn't make a certain weight, I would not be allowed to participate. I was furious. So my mom and I made an appointment with my pediatrician. I told him what was going on, and he ordered for some tests to be done. I had them done that day, like blood tests and stuff, so it wasn't a big deal. I was able to make it back to practice in time. But practice was soon interrupted by mom. I saw her talking to my coach, and then they both waived me over. My mom told me that I needed to go back to the doctors, because of the blood test results. I was really scared because we had to leave right away. I can't remember who we met with, but I just remember them telling me I was Anemic.

Anemia is when you have a decreased number of red blood cells, or hemoglobin, in the blood. It also can be associated with iron deficiency. To be classified for having anemia at the age I was (18), I had to have under 12 g/dL, which is about 7.4 mmol/L. So if I have a hemoglobin level higher than 12, I am fine. But they told me my level was only around 5.5. Incase you didn't guess, that is EXTREMELY low. I guess if it would have dropped down to about 4, I would have needed a blood transfusion. They told me if I wouldn't have been an athlete, I would have struggled getting out of bed. They told me some of the other symptoms associated with Anemia. Some of the most prevalent was extremely pale skin (because you have a decreased amount of red blood cells, which add to the color of your skin), feeling fatigued all the time, as well as other stuff. It all started to make sense. I realized that I was sleeping a lot! They told me I was getting dizzy a lot, and tired more, because I wasn't getting enough oxygen throughout my body. Hemoglobin is cell that carries oxygen throughout the body, and it is directly related to iron levels. Since I had a fraction of the hemoglobin of a normal girl my age, I was also only getting a fraction of the oxygen. So you can see, that if you drop to low, it can be extremely dangerous.

I had to meet with a dietician, to discuss how I was going to reverse this. I had to take an Iron supplement daily, which was 65mg. I had to eat foods that were high in Iron, like tons of cereal and peanut butter. They wanted me to eat a lot of salad. Even though the answer wasn't the best, at least I had something to show my coaches. Prove them wrong. Show them that it was nothing that I was doing to my body. I also had to see a lot of different doctors, to try to figure out where I was loosing all this blood. Most women that have anemia is because of their menstrual cycle. But I don't get menstrual cycles, so there had to be another reason. We still haven't figured this out. But I did have to see a ear/nose/throat doctor, and they found something else. I had a mass in my throat, and its not supposed to be there (but I will save that for another post).

So even though I was working to increase my iron and hemoglobin level, we had to figure out how this would effect my volleyball. I was able to practice (and not worry about having to weigh in), but I had to say something immediately if I ever felt too exhausted. I wasn't allowed to play back row. You could see my fatigue when I would play in tournaments. It would take every once of energy to hit the ball. At the end of the tournaments, when I would hit, I would practically fall to floor. Ok, I didn't fall or anything, but I would be crouched so low because of my lack of energy. I was pretty much squatting. I still hit really well, so that was good. After a while, my hemoglobin levels got high enough to get me out of the risk zone. But I am always worried about a relapse, because I guess once you are anemic once, you will pretty much always be near that border line (or so i've been told).

I am happy to say that I don't have to take Iron supplements, and I don't have to track how much I am consuming from food anymore. I am not anemic, as of now. And I hope it stays that way.

My Missing Card

Everyone has those cards they were dealt when they were born. But I wasn't given one card in particular, or you can think of it as one of my cards prevented another card. This card is babies.

So one of the hardest things that I have been going through lately is the fact that i can't have kids. It seems like everyday now, there are just constant reminders of this. Whether I am in class, and we are talking about why breast feeding is more beneficial for new borns, when it comes to their immune system. Or seeing little kids running around on the court at a basketball game. Or going out at night with a girl who has a child. Constant reminders, everywhere I turn. I don't know why it is effecting me so much more right now, than it has in the past.

Maybe its because Ryan told his mom about my condition. Its not the fact that he told her that bothers me, because I had asked him if he was going to tell her. But its more because I know how much she wants grand kids. Ryan has told me many times, that his mom always asked him when he was going to give her grandchildren. Way before Ryan and I ever met. I hate it. It's the one thing I wish I could do more than anything. I would never be able to give Ryan kids that are his. Sure, I plan to adopt, but who am I to take away the chance of having a biological child, because it was taken away from me. This leads to having a surrogate mother. Which is fine for me, because who wouldn't want to have little 6'9 kids running around. It just bothers me, that no matter what I do, I can never have a biological child of my own. I can never say that they have my eyes, or my nose, or anything like that.

The thing I am not looking forward to is when all my friends start to have kids. I know that is kind of selfish, because I am going to be happy for them no matter what. But when my best friends start having kids, I think that is when this is going to be the hardest.

I had done a little research a while back. I found out that the medical field is trying to create a successful way for sexual organ transplants. They had successfully completed this in many animal trials. I believe they have begun working to do human trials, but haven't done much research on it since. I just wonder if I would even qualify for something like that. In order to have a transplant, they have to be able to have something to attach it to. Since I have never had any sexual reproductive organs in my body, I don't know if they could even attach the organs to anything. And if not, would they be able to create those "hook ups"? And I know that even if all this were possible, they would not be biologically mine. The eggs would not have my DNA. But I think that it would help with the sense of helplessness by being able to carry a child for 9 months, and give birth to a baby. But that is a very big long shot, and probably extremely expensive.

I would just give everything I have to be able to reproduce. Even if the only possible time I could have a baby was when I was first diagnosed, just a freshman in high school. I would gladly give up all the athletics I have participated in, all the traveling I have done (between living in Iowa and going to California and Arizona for tournaments). I would have given up anything. But that is not the case, and I am happy with life besides not having kids. I have experienced a lot, I met my amazing boyfriend, and I've grown as a person.