My Missing Card

Everyone has those cards they were dealt when they were born. But I wasn't given one card in particular, or you can think of it as one of my cards prevented another card. This card is babies.

So one of the hardest things that I have been going through lately is the fact that i can't have kids. It seems like everyday now, there are just constant reminders of this. Whether I am in class, and we are talking about why breast feeding is more beneficial for new borns, when it comes to their immune system. Or seeing little kids running around on the court at a basketball game. Or going out at night with a girl who has a child. Constant reminders, everywhere I turn. I don't know why it is effecting me so much more right now, than it has in the past.

Maybe its because Ryan told his mom about my condition. Its not the fact that he told her that bothers me, because I had asked him if he was going to tell her. But its more because I know how much she wants grand kids. Ryan has told me many times, that his mom always asked him when he was going to give her grandchildren. Way before Ryan and I ever met. I hate it. It's the one thing I wish I could do more than anything. I would never be able to give Ryan kids that are his. Sure, I plan to adopt, but who am I to take away the chance of having a biological child, because it was taken away from me. This leads to having a surrogate mother. Which is fine for me, because who wouldn't want to have little 6'9 kids running around. It just bothers me, that no matter what I do, I can never have a biological child of my own. I can never say that they have my eyes, or my nose, or anything like that.

The thing I am not looking forward to is when all my friends start to have kids. I know that is kind of selfish, because I am going to be happy for them no matter what. But when my best friends start having kids, I think that is when this is going to be the hardest.

I had done a little research a while back. I found out that the medical field is trying to create a successful way for sexual organ transplants. They had successfully completed this in many animal trials. I believe they have begun working to do human trials, but haven't done much research on it since. I just wonder if I would even qualify for something like that. In order to have a transplant, they have to be able to have something to attach it to. Since I have never had any sexual reproductive organs in my body, I don't know if they could even attach the organs to anything. And if not, would they be able to create those "hook ups"? And I know that even if all this were possible, they would not be biologically mine. The eggs would not have my DNA. But I think that it would help with the sense of helplessness by being able to carry a child for 9 months, and give birth to a baby. But that is a very big long shot, and probably extremely expensive.

I would just give everything I have to be able to reproduce. Even if the only possible time I could have a baby was when I was first diagnosed, just a freshman in high school. I would gladly give up all the athletics I have participated in, all the traveling I have done (between living in Iowa and going to California and Arizona for tournaments). I would have given up anything. But that is not the case, and I am happy with life besides not having kids. I have experienced a lot, I met my amazing boyfriend, and I've grown as a person.