Finding Out I Was Different

            This goes back to when I was only a freshman in high school. I was 13, and very close to my 14^th birthday. Even though I was a teenage girl, I was not like most girls. I hadn’t started puberty yet. I was fairly tall, I think around 5’7 or 5’8. I was as skinny as a rail, and virtually had no boobs. I didn’t have any auxiliary hair (arm pit hair or hair down near my lady business). But most importantly, I hadn’t started my period. My mom and I were kind of concerned, so we made an appointment with my pediatrician. He didn’t have any answers for me, so he ordered for some tests to be done. I know I had an ultrasound, but can’t really remember what else they may have done. But I am fairly sure they also had me do some blood tests.

            The day of my tests, I was told I had to drink a lot of water. I mean a lot! And I wasn’t allowed to pee. They needed my bladder full, so when they did the ultrasound, there would be some contrast to everything that was inside of me. They couldn’t see anything, so they had me go to the bathroom and empty my bladder bout half of the way, and let me tell you it was a relief! When they put that cold jelly on my belly, it made me have to go so bad! After they had done some more looking, they said they found something, but they left it at that. I thought everything was fine, and so we left the hospital, without a single concern about anything involving my tests. I knew it would take a little while to get the results back.

            Some time passed by, and a lot had happened in my life. I had tryouts for my high school volleyball program, and I ended up making the freshman team. I had just turned 14, and it was almost time for Christmas break. I don’t remember exactly when the conversation occurred, but I remember exactly how it happened. You see, my parents had been divorced for about 4 years by this time, and they were rarely ever in the same room with each other. So when my mom drove me to my dads house that day, to have a conversation, I was utterly confused. I actually thought they were going to tell me they were going to get back together. Jeeze, was I wrong. Way wrong. They started emphasizing a lot of facts to me. Telling me that I was a young, teenage GIRL. I have been a GIRL all my life. I will always be a GIRL. Then they told me they had met with a specialist. Now I had seen a lot of specialists in my life, because I was sick a lot as a child, between my asthma, ear infections, pneumonia, the whole nine yards. So all I could think about was what specialist it was this time. They told me it was regarding the tests I had done just recently. They said that the doctors couldn’t find the normal female organs. They couldn’t find my uterus, ovaries, or fallopian tubes. I later found out that I also don’t have a cervix. But just like every other girl out there, I have a vagina. My parents told me that what the doctors had thought was my female organs, was actually something completely different. They were gonads, that were in my abdomen (I will get more into the science of this later on). They told me that when I was conceived, I was born with an XY chromosome (normal females are XX, normal males are XY). Needless to say, I was extremely confused.

            I was told that I had a condition called Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. It is usually genetically passed down, through the mother. The doctors told us this was the case for me. It only effects XY genotypes. So basically, according to my sex chromosome, I was not supposed to be a Meghan. But there was a mutation on that X chromosome that prevented me from developing like a normal XY. Since this occurred, the default development for life is female. So when I was in my mom’s stomach, I began to develop like a normal female (except for my reproductive organs). I was born looking like a normal female. I grew up like a normal female. The only reason we found out was because I hadn’t started my period. So my parents told me we are going to have to meet with an endocrinologist, to discuss what steps would have to be taken with my condition.

            I just remember being in shock. And crying, all the time. I was confused about who I was. I felt like something was missing, and often found myself with my arms wrapped around my lower abdomen. I think its because I realized I did have something missing. Something that I will never get to have. But basically, I just cried a lot.

            I remember going to the endocrinologist, and having her try to explain this all to me even further. I was still confused. But was told that I was going to need to have surgery, to remove the gonads. She told me that if I didn’t have them removed, it would most likely lead to cancer. So we scheduled my operation for that summer. I didn’t have to do much in the mean time, just learn to deal with my new demon.